My apartment represents my mind; a total mess

I need a make-over. A total make-over of my life and the way I think. I'm done looking back and being disappointed in myself. I want to stop making myself feel like a failure. The reason I feel I haven't gotten anywhere is because I haven't let myself. I keep leading myself to a great destination but I somehow choose to take a detour. Not sure if that analogy worked but let's go with that. I come home and feel defeated. I wonder why... today I look around and my apartment is hideous!! Not at all the inspiration I need to get through my day. I love the apartment itself, but what I've done with it is awful. It's a mess, there's nothing nice about it... I hate it! Being in a space you hate can't be very peaceful or pleasant can it? So along with my apartment, I decided to give my attitude a make-over. I need to be away from people. At least that's how I feel right now. Block off all communication with everyone (besides my bf whom I live with of course). I feel like I'm useless as a person if I can't give you my all. I'm done being a zombie and putting on a fake smile all the time. I want to genuinely be happy and actually laugh with people. I need to laugh again. Like, ACTUALLY laugh. Hard.

I like to problem solve and work things out. I crave to improve... maybe this is what I need. I am not a fan of depression and nothing pisses me off more than being depressed. Everyone changes... it's my turn. Except I want to change back to who I was.